Wanting More

I'm sick of wanting more.  I'm sick of feeling like I need to just get by.  Maybe I do want more than the average girl.  But none of what I want is big, difficult, or expensive.

I want his time, his attention, his love.  I want to feel appreciated and adored.  I want to feel that when I wake up I am waking up with someone who is as excited to be waking up next to me as I am excited waking up beside him.  Life is full of so much shit, filfth, complications... this should not be a piece of that struggle.

I do not believe relationships are easy.  I know that it takes work.  I am willing to work hard to make things doable.  To make the success at the end of the day feel like an accomplishment.  But there needs to be something inching me along, glimmering hope and presence.

I want honesty, friendship, admiration, appreciation, devotion, and loyalty.  A year older... I want more.  I feel I should be married already.  I feel I should own my own home.  I want to be a piece in someone's life that is irreplacable.  I want someone in mine that the thought of losing them breaks my heart clear in half. 

We were put here to matter, to love, to share... I cannot feel like I matter when one decides that they can and will go on without me.  The words echo in my ears, "I'm not going to lay around and cry all weekend, I am a big boy... I've been dumped before, and I know how to move on".  He is so ready to move on that he won't settle here.  He won't live or love here.

Sure we have a good relationship.  We like one another.  But he is closed.  Like a 3 million pound wall of steel.  There is no budging it, no tempting or coaxing.  I can't help him to open up again.  And I refuse to live with a closed human being.  Here I am the most open of all open human beings.  And I am stuck feeling misplaced and underloved because sharing that he does love me and is happy with me, is just more risk than he is willing to take.

I want to believe he can get better... but almost a year later I am running out of patience.  I need to feel adored.  I feel none of this.  Not by being told I'm beautiful.  Not by his telling me I'm wonderful.  Not by him whispering he is happy.  Nothing.  And I just can't keep telling myself to lay still while the tiger inches closer to its prey. 

... I've never broken up like this before.  Never left someone I knew I loved, knew I wanted, wished so desperately to have.  But I can't wait eternally and hurt in the process. 

I want loyalty, reflection, and love to carry me through my lifetime.