Who Needs You Anyways?

I lay in bed and think about crawling over to him.  I think about how my body would move, where I would push the blankets to, how he would respond.  ... I just can't bring myself to do it. 

My body aches to feel touched.  Since all recent sexual activity seems to be him pushing me over and slamming me from behind at some random moment to signify his interest, the lack of personal interest, intimacy, and desire leaves me rather unsatisfied.

For my birthday I bought myself several new tools for my artillery.  Granted all of these new toys were couple-friendly.  I think about us, always.  I love to please my partner... but I love to know that he wants to please me too.  He has lost all ability to show me this. 

So, fuck him... or rather, not.  I'm sick of waiting.  Nearly a month since I purchased all this crap... and I haven't had a chance to use it.  Like a school-kid who purchases all the new school clothes in July.  Those new clothes stare the kid in the face all through July, August and September.  Each day, they open their drawers and the clothes are dying to be put on.  Calling to them.  Clean.  Unwrinkled.  Fresh. ... they want to be worn.

This is how my toys are calling me.  Especially going from full-fledged sexual addiction to a man that is satisfied to have sex once every other week or so.  Not only am I throbbing with desire and hot blood... but my mind and body are screaming just as loud.

I take a nice hot bubble bath.  Vanilla spice is all over me... and I'm tempted to lick my own skin.  Something about the satiny smooth, freshness puts me in a serene state of sensuality.  I lightly spritz my body with bath oil and my desire intensifies. 

I pull my new toy from its pretty pink draw string pouch.  Shaped like a 'U'... something I have never tried before.  I cover both ends in lube and attempt to turn it on.  Well, quite clearly it should be turned to your proper setting prior to lubing since I can't get the damn thing on without it sliding out of my fingers.  I check the directions, again to make sure I know which side goes where.  C and G... it seems rather simplistic.

Finally, I am able to find a decent setting of the 14 available.  I place it against me and it slides in like it was meant for me.  And fuck does it ever.  I just barely have time to get the C-spot against me and I'm already clawing at my bed sheets.  MMmmmmm... 3 seconds... is that a record?  I wish he'd catch me.

Fuck it... who needs him and I go for round two...

Cards...

Picking out a Valentine's Day card last night was next to impossible.  They all talk about their "wonderful man", "partner", "best friend", "soul mate", "the one", "such a good person", "one of a kind", "best thing ever", "together forever"... none of that applies. 

 

I read each one thinking... is this what I'm suposed to feel about him?  Because I don't.  I hate him.  I hate him for how much he hurts me on a regular basis and just doesn't give a fuck.  Everything I say that he just ignores.  I don't trust him.  I don't trust him with my heart, my orgasms, my honesty, my indullgence... nothing.  He is careless and selfish. 

 

I think I read every single card.  Finally I found one that said something about "some night I'm the happiest woman in the world and other nights I swear to never make chili for dinner again".  It was the closest I could find to reality.  I need a card that says... "you are such a rotten asshole so much of the time that I can't believe I endure what you put me thru, but when you are good... we are great.  Thank you for those spare moments you are willing to give me, that I am worth the little effort you are willing to give."  ... None of the cards said that though.  I figured this was the next best.

 

I don't know what I'm doing.  This is NOT how it is suposed to be. Why can't I just let him go?  I just keep thinking I'm going to tell him it's not working and he's going to say... okay, and walk out.  Like it's nothing.  Like the last year was nothing.  Like I'm nothing.  Because that is the truth.  He has held himself back emotionally since the end of May... so there is no risk here for him.  He can pick up and walk away at any moment without a second thought.  ... That terrifies me.  That will kill me.  That is why I am so afraid to tell him it's over, because he will proove to me all of these fears are true.  That I am nothing to him.  And that I'm putting in all this effort and bearing so much of my soul... for someone who thinks of me as nothing but replacable.

 

How do I pick myself up from that?  The truth is I will.  And that's my biggest fear.  I will do it all over again.  I will fall instantly... and he really won't give a fuck.  I'll bear my heart... and the next guy will break it.  Because that's what they do.  How do I not care?  I want to not care.

Fast Approaching

Valentine's Day is around the corner.  After the folly that was our anniversary, or at least, my attempt at one I have committed myself to not making anything of this holiday.

So many times I have reached out.  Thrown myself at him, with all my love, devotion, and sexual desire.  He never catches me.  I don't want to throw myself this time.

Last year, around this time our relationship was but a month old.  I spent days on him.  Days planning and then days celebrating.  I don't believe this holiday should be about stuff, but I do believe it should be about love, relationships, and celebration of the person you are with.  One more day a year to really make them know they are your world.  How could a day to express that really hurt?

I planned it all... my dress, my shoes, who would assist me, where I would buy the flowers, the special gift and the details... every little aspect.  It was made to perfection.  He loved it, however he felt like he couldn't match it.  But he did fairly well. 

I don't know what to feel now.  After having planned something big and elaborate for our anniversary it ended with him telling me it was a huge mistake and never saying happy anniversary... the whole week, weekend, month, never.  It broke my heart the little that I allowed.

I want him to dazzle me, truly.  I want him to show me I am as special to him as he has been to me.  I'm sorry, but he owes me.  Maybe that's not fair.  But it is also not fair giving someone so much of yourself to feel snubbed in return.

I'm thinking... flowers - but not necessary.  I know we will have dinner, and I want him to greet me by telling me I look beautiful.  I want him to hold my hand, and kiss it.  I want him to look at me across the table and remind me that he thinks I am important and irreplaceable in his life.  I want to go home to kisses.  Falling against the door passionately devouring one another.  I want to feel his hands on me... on my thighs, my ass, my hips, and the curve of my waist.  I want him to touch me like he remembers how.  I want him to fumble me to our bed where we crash upon it like a tidal wave.  We would rip each other's clothes off kissing, nibbling, sucking, and loving every inch along the way.  ... like lovers do.

I want him to want me.  I haven't felt that way in so long.  And to feel him actually love on me, physically.  I don't need chocolate because I'm dieting and it really doesn't help... but if he buys them I will still find it sweet.  I'd take something sparkly... but truly unnecessary.  I'd take trip tickets, plans, etc... oh so happily.  But they are not required.

I just want a heart-felt card and his love and attention.  His real love, not a fake conjured up depiction of love fiction.  I've had that for over six months now.  If he doesn't come back... then I need to walk away.  I need to feel happy and loved.  95% of the time in this relationship, I do not.  I need him to remember what it feels like to truly love me... adore me and show me.

Under the Blankets...

I curl myself into bed and wrap my feet around my kitty.  He is snuggled into place at the bottom, coiled into the fluffed blanket I leave there for him.  The sheets feel cool against my freshly showered, heated skin.

I reach my toes across the king size bed inching toward my lover.  I beg to feel his warmth.  I beg even more that he feels my proximity and reachs back for me.  He won't... because I am alone in bed.  Sometimes I feel his legs down there, warm, soft and it sends warm tingles up my legs. 

Feeling close with someone is an irreplacable feeling.

I wake up to the brisk motion of the blankets being ripped from over me, and before I can open my eyes he is between my legs lapping away.  This incredible feeling I have been missing for months.

I don't know if he is awake or asleep.  I don't know why he is doing it.  I can only coo and wriggle against his mouth, but just barely as he has me held so tight I can hardly move.  I grab at blankets and pillows over my head and buck lightly.  I'm enjoying this, but feel his impatience growing. 

He slides his hands down and begins to finger my clit.  He wants me to cum.  I'm just not there yet.  After a few moments of hungrily taking my pussy he lifts and slides on top of me.  I lift my legs and wrap myself around him.  I feel him slide in effortlessly through my wetness.

I claw and grab at him, hoping that if I make enough noise or impact he will wake up.  He stares off into space... and I know that he is still asleep.  He begins to slow up as he nears orgasm.  He wants to hold it, but I'm hardly anywhere close.

I clench on his cock and pull my thighs up his sides to the back of his arms.  He burries it inside of me and cums. 

How could he not be awake?  So, I ask him this morning... were you awake? 

"Only at the end..."