Last Straw?

I don't know what the last straw will be... the thing that finally helps me to let go of him.  I have so many fears and so many doubts. 

I'm afraid to go back to who I was.  The child in a woman's body.  The girl that knows nothing but how to please.  The one who takes over and makes my mind go numb.  Auto-pilot, my therapist calls it.  I have done this so many times the pattern is ingrained. 

I tease playfully, seduce, touch, giggle.  I play my part.  I want them to like me, to approve of me, to want me.  I don't want anything more than that.  Just the satisfaction of their longing. 

But then they do want it, they really want it.  They don't let me stop it.  The press me, push me, control me and suddenly I am on auto-pilot.  I push away softly.  I say no, ever so softly.

They don't hear me... or they just don't care...

They push and I fall into place.  A perfect little puzzle piece, fitting snugly into place.  I coo and cream to their delight.  I am not me.  I am what they want.  They rip off my clothes, pick a nearby surface and toss me on it, they fall upon me hard and fast.  Ignoring all common sense and knowledge they ignore my plea for a condom. 

I've made so many mistakes.  I don't want to be her.  I don't want to live this sexual addiction again.  I fear I would go back to this without him.  I'm so scared.  I want to be strong, but what if auto-pilot comes back. 

I don't feel strong enough and I pull him back in.  Hanging onto this desperate clawing animal... I cling despite tears, scratches, and gouges

Piece by piece I fall weaker, but some days I feel the strength and courage of this conviction.  The man I love is hollow.  He is no longer who I met that dazzled and loved me so deeply our hearts melted into one on the first date. 

I am so scared... I can't envision my life without him.  More tears fall, but it doesn't make this any easier.  Never any easier...