Frustration Mounts

It is building today.  So many things I've wanted to say.  So many times I wanted to reach out and say stop.  I'm stuck.  The more I speak up, the less he listens... but the less I speak, the less he will know to correct.  It is a catch-22.  A viscious triangle of frustration.

I want him to make love to me.  I begged for it and attemped, stupidly, to explain myself again.  The message goes unnoticed. 

I want to be happy.  I don't know if I believe that he can be the partner that walks with me into that happy place in my life.  No longer will I rely soley on a man to make that happiness for me, but I sure as hell do believe they need to be a part of it. 

I am no cat lady!  I'm not cold or bitter or ready to close anyone out.  I want him so much.  I love him so much.  But it is utterly confusing.  Just like when my marriage was ending.  It was warped with confusion.

I did not know up from down or left from right.  Everything smears and my life just is.  I don't want to just be anything.  I want to be amazing, loving, fulfilled, and fulfilling.

I don't expect to be president but I want to grow, be strong, and feel accomplished.  I lost my shot at presidency when I stood in front of the camera and became her best friend.  Photo after sexy photo... snapping away any life of publicity.  My brief stint as a webcam girl surely seeled the deal, if nothing previously had.

But I should be happy... past or not.  I want these things, and I deserve these things.  So either he will decide he can afford to give more hugs and kisses and passionate fucks... or I will find someone who will. ... I think.  ... Maybe.

smouldering

Because sometimes the truth is hard to say, hard to hear, hard to face. But silence can be deafening, powerful, smouldering.

Don't hold it all in. Don't hold it all back. Breathe and set yourself free; body, mind, sensuality, and soul.

These are my truths. This is me being set free. Live and let live. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but it doesn't always mean it is accurate for everyone. Sometimes thoughts are hurtful, unkind, and piercing.

I'm here to share what no one wants to hear.  And to vent on the things I should never have heard.