Cards...

Picking out a Valentine's Day card last night was next to impossible.  They all talk about their "wonderful man", "partner", "best friend", "soul mate", "the one", "such a good person", "one of a kind", "best thing ever", "together forever"... none of that applies. 

 

I read each one thinking... is this what I'm suposed to feel about him?  Because I don't.  I hate him.  I hate him for how much he hurts me on a regular basis and just doesn't give a fuck.  Everything I say that he just ignores.  I don't trust him.  I don't trust him with my heart, my orgasms, my honesty, my indullgence... nothing.  He is careless and selfish. 

 

I think I read every single card.  Finally I found one that said something about "some night I'm the happiest woman in the world and other nights I swear to never make chili for dinner again".  It was the closest I could find to reality.  I need a card that says... "you are such a rotten asshole so much of the time that I can't believe I endure what you put me thru, but when you are good... we are great.  Thank you for those spare moments you are willing to give me, that I am worth the little effort you are willing to give."  ... None of the cards said that though.  I figured this was the next best.

 

I don't know what I'm doing.  This is NOT how it is suposed to be. Why can't I just let him go?  I just keep thinking I'm going to tell him it's not working and he's going to say... okay, and walk out.  Like it's nothing.  Like the last year was nothing.  Like I'm nothing.  Because that is the truth.  He has held himself back emotionally since the end of May... so there is no risk here for him.  He can pick up and walk away at any moment without a second thought.  ... That terrifies me.  That will kill me.  That is why I am so afraid to tell him it's over, because he will proove to me all of these fears are true.  That I am nothing to him.  And that I'm putting in all this effort and bearing so much of my soul... for someone who thinks of me as nothing but replacable.

 

How do I pick myself up from that?  The truth is I will.  And that's my biggest fear.  I will do it all over again.  I will fall instantly... and he really won't give a fuck.  I'll bear my heart... and the next guy will break it.  Because that's what they do.  How do I not care?  I want to not care.

Fast Approaching

Valentine's Day is around the corner.  After the folly that was our anniversary, or at least, my attempt at one I have committed myself to not making anything of this holiday.

So many times I have reached out.  Thrown myself at him, with all my love, devotion, and sexual desire.  He never catches me.  I don't want to throw myself this time.

Last year, around this time our relationship was but a month old.  I spent days on him.  Days planning and then days celebrating.  I don't believe this holiday should be about stuff, but I do believe it should be about love, relationships, and celebration of the person you are with.  One more day a year to really make them know they are your world.  How could a day to express that really hurt?

I planned it all... my dress, my shoes, who would assist me, where I would buy the flowers, the special gift and the details... every little aspect.  It was made to perfection.  He loved it, however he felt like he couldn't match it.  But he did fairly well. 

I don't know what to feel now.  After having planned something big and elaborate for our anniversary it ended with him telling me it was a huge mistake and never saying happy anniversary... the whole week, weekend, month, never.  It broke my heart the little that I allowed.

I want him to dazzle me, truly.  I want him to show me I am as special to him as he has been to me.  I'm sorry, but he owes me.  Maybe that's not fair.  But it is also not fair giving someone so much of yourself to feel snubbed in return.

I'm thinking... flowers - but not necessary.  I know we will have dinner, and I want him to greet me by telling me I look beautiful.  I want him to hold my hand, and kiss it.  I want him to look at me across the table and remind me that he thinks I am important and irreplaceable in his life.  I want to go home to kisses.  Falling against the door passionately devouring one another.  I want to feel his hands on me... on my thighs, my ass, my hips, and the curve of my waist.  I want him to touch me like he remembers how.  I want him to fumble me to our bed where we crash upon it like a tidal wave.  We would rip each other's clothes off kissing, nibbling, sucking, and loving every inch along the way.  ... like lovers do.

I want him to want me.  I haven't felt that way in so long.  And to feel him actually love on me, physically.  I don't need chocolate because I'm dieting and it really doesn't help... but if he buys them I will still find it sweet.  I'd take something sparkly... but truly unnecessary.  I'd take trip tickets, plans, etc... oh so happily.  But they are not required.

I just want a heart-felt card and his love and attention.  His real love, not a fake conjured up depiction of love fiction.  I've had that for over six months now.  If he doesn't come back... then I need to walk away.  I need to feel happy and loved.  95% of the time in this relationship, I do not.  I need him to remember what it feels like to truly love me... adore me and show me.

Frustration Mounts

It is building today.  So many things I've wanted to say.  So many times I wanted to reach out and say stop.  I'm stuck.  The more I speak up, the less he listens... but the less I speak, the less he will know to correct.  It is a catch-22.  A viscious triangle of frustration.

I want him to make love to me.  I begged for it and attemped, stupidly, to explain myself again.  The message goes unnoticed. 

I want to be happy.  I don't know if I believe that he can be the partner that walks with me into that happy place in my life.  No longer will I rely soley on a man to make that happiness for me, but I sure as hell do believe they need to be a part of it. 

I am no cat lady!  I'm not cold or bitter or ready to close anyone out.  I want him so much.  I love him so much.  But it is utterly confusing.  Just like when my marriage was ending.  It was warped with confusion.

I did not know up from down or left from right.  Everything smears and my life just is.  I don't want to just be anything.  I want to be amazing, loving, fulfilled, and fulfilling.

I don't expect to be president but I want to grow, be strong, and feel accomplished.  I lost my shot at presidency when I stood in front of the camera and became her best friend.  Photo after sexy photo... snapping away any life of publicity.  My brief stint as a webcam girl surely seeled the deal, if nothing previously had.

But I should be happy... past or not.  I want these things, and I deserve these things.  So either he will decide he can afford to give more hugs and kisses and passionate fucks... or I will find someone who will. ... I think.  ... Maybe.

Wanting More

I'm sick of wanting more.  I'm sick of feeling like I need to just get by.  Maybe I do want more than the average girl.  But none of what I want is big, difficult, or expensive.

I want his time, his attention, his love.  I want to feel appreciated and adored.  I want to feel that when I wake up I am waking up with someone who is as excited to be waking up next to me as I am excited waking up beside him.  Life is full of so much shit, filfth, complications... this should not be a piece of that struggle.

I do not believe relationships are easy.  I know that it takes work.  I am willing to work hard to make things doable.  To make the success at the end of the day feel like an accomplishment.  But there needs to be something inching me along, glimmering hope and presence.

I want honesty, friendship, admiration, appreciation, devotion, and loyalty.  A year older... I want more.  I feel I should be married already.  I feel I should own my own home.  I want to be a piece in someone's life that is irreplacable.  I want someone in mine that the thought of losing them breaks my heart clear in half. 

We were put here to matter, to love, to share... I cannot feel like I matter when one decides that they can and will go on without me.  The words echo in my ears, "I'm not going to lay around and cry all weekend, I am a big boy... I've been dumped before, and I know how to move on".  He is so ready to move on that he won't settle here.  He won't live or love here.

Sure we have a good relationship.  We like one another.  But he is closed.  Like a 3 million pound wall of steel.  There is no budging it, no tempting or coaxing.  I can't help him to open up again.  And I refuse to live with a closed human being.  Here I am the most open of all open human beings.  And I am stuck feeling misplaced and underloved because sharing that he does love me and is happy with me, is just more risk than he is willing to take.

I want to believe he can get better... but almost a year later I am running out of patience.  I need to feel adored.  I feel none of this.  Not by being told I'm beautiful.  Not by his telling me I'm wonderful.  Not by him whispering he is happy.  Nothing.  And I just can't keep telling myself to lay still while the tiger inches closer to its prey. 

... I've never broken up like this before.  Never left someone I knew I loved, knew I wanted, wished so desperately to have.  But I can't wait eternally and hurt in the process. 

I want loyalty, reflection, and love to carry me through my lifetime.