Picking out a Valentine's Day card last night was next to impossible. They all talk about their "wonderful man", "partner", "best friend", "soul mate", "the one", "such a good person", "one of a kind", "best thing ever", "together forever"... none of that applies.
I read each one thinking... is this what I'm suposed to feel about him? Because I don't. I hate him. I hate him for how much he hurts me on a regular basis and just doesn't give a fuck. Everything I say that he just ignores. I don't trust him. I don't trust him with my heart, my orgasms, my honesty, my indullgence... nothing. He is careless and selfish.
I think I read every single card. Finally I found one that said something about "some night I'm the happiest woman in the world and other nights I swear to never make chili for dinner again". It was the closest I could find to reality. I need a card that says... "you are such a rotten asshole so much of the time that I can't believe I endure what you put me thru, but when you are good... we are great. Thank you for those spare moments you are willing to give me, that I am worth the little effort you are willing to give." ... None of the cards said that though. I figured this was the next best.
I don't know what I'm doing. This is NOT how it is suposed to be. Why can't I just let him go? I just keep thinking I'm going to tell him it's not working and he's going to say... okay, and walk out. Like it's nothing. Like the last year was nothing. Like I'm nothing. Because that is the truth. He has held himself back emotionally since the end of May... so there is no risk here for him. He can pick up and walk away at any moment without a second thought. ... That terrifies me. That will kill me. That is why I am so afraid to tell him it's over, because he will proove to me all of these fears are true. That I am nothing to him. And that I'm putting in all this effort and bearing so much of my soul... for someone who thinks of me as nothing but replacable.
How do I pick myself up from that? The truth is I will. And that's my biggest fear. I will do it all over again. I will fall instantly... and he really won't give a fuck. I'll bear my heart... and the next guy will break it. Because that's what they do. How do I not care? I want to not care.
