Picking out a Valentine's Day card last night was next to impossible. They all talk about their "wonderful man", "partner", "best friend", "soul mate", "the one", "such a good person", "one of a kind", "best thing ever", "together forever"... none of that applies.
I read each one thinking... is this what I'm suposed to feel about him? Because I don't. I hate him. I hate him for how much he hurts me on a regular basis and just doesn't give a fuck. Everything I say that he just ignores. I don't trust him. I don't trust him with my heart, my orgasms, my honesty, my indullgence... nothing. He is careless and selfish.
I think I read every single card. Finally I found one that said something about "some night I'm the happiest woman in the world and other nights I swear to never make chili for dinner again". It was the closest I could find to reality. I need a card that says... "you are such a rotten asshole so much of the time that I can't believe I endure what you put me thru, but when you are good... we are great. Thank you for those spare moments you are willing to give me, that I am worth the little effort you are willing to give." ... None of the cards said that though. I figured this was the next best.
I don't know what I'm doing. This is NOT how it is suposed to be. Why can't I just let him go? I just keep thinking I'm going to tell him it's not working and he's going to say... okay, and walk out. Like it's nothing. Like the last year was nothing. Like I'm nothing. Because that is the truth. He has held himself back emotionally since the end of May... so there is no risk here for him. He can pick up and walk away at any moment without a second thought. ... That terrifies me. That will kill me. That is why I am so afraid to tell him it's over, because he will proove to me all of these fears are true. That I am nothing to him. And that I'm putting in all this effort and bearing so much of my soul... for someone who thinks of me as nothing but replacable.
How do I pick myself up from that? The truth is I will. And that's my biggest fear. I will do it all over again. I will fall instantly... and he really won't give a fuck. I'll bear my heart... and the next guy will break it. Because that's what they do. How do I not care? I want to not care.
I think you know exactly what you need to do... adn you will be so much happier once it's done.
ReplyDeleteThink about it, will you be worse off without this guy in your life dragging you down every single day? Or will you be finally free to let yourself heal and rediscover how happy you can be and down the road, when you're ready again to open up, find a guy who wants to know the deepest innerworkings of you?
That is a good way to look at it. I can't imagine it feeling worse off after a short while. Especially down the road. When we met, I was sure he was the one. I wish he hadn't changed. It is hard to let go of what I saw him be.
ReplyDeleteThis happened to me last year. I was reading it and it was striking how similar you and I felt. He ended up leaving me... It was like a slap in the face, but I realised I had to move on. Its a scary thought at first, but once you gain that freedom there's no looking back.
ReplyDeleteMy advice to you is don't stay in a relationship where you're not happy. Life if meant to be full of happy moments, and don't ever forget that. Realise that you're a strong, independent person who DESERVES to be happy.
Thank you LoveSick. I was so sure I was ready... I started talking with a sibling that is living with us right now - she pointed out how hard is trying. I suddenly feel like I am asking so much and like I need to give him a fair fight. I hate being so back and forth - but it is truly terrifying... all of it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your account.