Fast Approaching

Valentine's Day is around the corner.  After the folly that was our anniversary, or at least, my attempt at one I have committed myself to not making anything of this holiday.

So many times I have reached out.  Thrown myself at him, with all my love, devotion, and sexual desire.  He never catches me.  I don't want to throw myself this time.

Last year, around this time our relationship was but a month old.  I spent days on him.  Days planning and then days celebrating.  I don't believe this holiday should be about stuff, but I do believe it should be about love, relationships, and celebration of the person you are with.  One more day a year to really make them know they are your world.  How could a day to express that really hurt?

I planned it all... my dress, my shoes, who would assist me, where I would buy the flowers, the special gift and the details... every little aspect.  It was made to perfection.  He loved it, however he felt like he couldn't match it.  But he did fairly well. 

I don't know what to feel now.  After having planned something big and elaborate for our anniversary it ended with him telling me it was a huge mistake and never saying happy anniversary... the whole week, weekend, month, never.  It broke my heart the little that I allowed.

I want him to dazzle me, truly.  I want him to show me I am as special to him as he has been to me.  I'm sorry, but he owes me.  Maybe that's not fair.  But it is also not fair giving someone so much of yourself to feel snubbed in return.

I'm thinking... flowers - but not necessary.  I know we will have dinner, and I want him to greet me by telling me I look beautiful.  I want him to hold my hand, and kiss it.  I want him to look at me across the table and remind me that he thinks I am important and irreplaceable in his life.  I want to go home to kisses.  Falling against the door passionately devouring one another.  I want to feel his hands on me... on my thighs, my ass, my hips, and the curve of my waist.  I want him to touch me like he remembers how.  I want him to fumble me to our bed where we crash upon it like a tidal wave.  We would rip each other's clothes off kissing, nibbling, sucking, and loving every inch along the way.  ... like lovers do.

I want him to want me.  I haven't felt that way in so long.  And to feel him actually love on me, physically.  I don't need chocolate because I'm dieting and it really doesn't help... but if he buys them I will still find it sweet.  I'd take something sparkly... but truly unnecessary.  I'd take trip tickets, plans, etc... oh so happily.  But they are not required.

I just want a heart-felt card and his love and attention.  His real love, not a fake conjured up depiction of love fiction.  I've had that for over six months now.  If he doesn't come back... then I need to walk away.  I need to feel happy and loved.  95% of the time in this relationship, I do not.  I need him to remember what it feels like to truly love me... adore me and show me.